Ett stort tack till Aisha som hittade på hela storyn från början, även om jag nog skrev den ganska annorlunda än det var tänkt 
. Kan väl säga så mycket som att det inte blev det svenskaarbete det var tänkt att bli!
ACT 1 – The Birth of Spiderwoman and the Death of the Evilly Evil Clock Salesman
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, which of course is relative to where in the world you happen to be right now, there was a girl-
????: “A GIRL!?”
Fabulous. We’re two lines into the story and you’ve already broken the fourth wall!
????: “But I’m not a girl!”
Maybe not, but you’re not a woman yet either now are you? Oh crap, now I’ve got that stupid song stuck in my head again! ANYWAY. The neither-girl-nor-woman-but-still-female which I will henceforth refer to as Paula-
PAULA: “My name’s not Paula!”
WHO CARES, it’s just a children’s fairytale!
PAULA: “I care!”
Shut up.
PAULA: “Why should I shut up, you’re the one who’s-“
And then, magically, Paula’s mouth disappeared.
PAULA: “…!”
Now that’s what I’m talking about. Haha, get it, *talking* about!?
PAULA: “…”
… Okay that wasn’t very funny. Now, as I was saying, Paula was on her way to school, merrily walking the street towards the schoolyard. When suddenly, a dark, cloaked man appeared out of nowhere and started running towards her. The man was looking terribly evil and Paula was terrified.
PAULA: “…”
I said she was terrified!
PAULA: “…”
Oh. Right, you can’t talk. Then magically, Paula’s mouth reappeared.
PAULA: “Now just you listen storyteller-“
-just as the cloaked evil evilman came up to her and looked around, opened up his jacket and revealed…
CLOCK SALESMAN: “Want buy a clocks my dame? Me has bestest clocks in town!”
PAULA: “You’re selling clocks!?”
CLOCK SALESMAN: “Yes?”
PAULA: “I thought you were going to kill me!”
CLOCK SALESMAN: “Ah no, why I do that?”
PAULA: “Because you’re evil!”
CLOCK SALESMAN: “No! Who tell you that?”
Just… wonderful. I’m going to have to do everything by myself ain’t I? Then suddenly, a radioactive mutated spider with forty-two eyes jumped out from one of the man’s clocks and bit Paula on her hand, which caused her to mutate and magically redress into Spiderwoman.
CLOCK SALESMAN: “Wawa weewa! My clock did that?”
Yes. Now run along.
CLOCK SALESMAN: “Ah, it’s shamazing!”
Off you go.
CLOCK SALESMAN: “Ah no, why? This is just getting excite!”
And then, unfortunately, the clock salesman was run over by a loose hamster wheel and died instantly. Meanwhile, Paula – now Spiderwoman – held her stereotypical “I’m here to chew chewing gum and kick ass – and I’m all out of ass”-speech, which we will skip. Next act please!
ACT 2 – How the Evil Jews and Nasty Aliens plotted to destroy the World with a
Ultra Mega Death Deus Ex Macchina Killing Megatron
Meanwhile at the International Bureau for general Evilness and Ruthless Collecting of Unjustly Earned Money, IBERCUEM, started, funded and governed by evil jews- wait, what the bucket!? Who’s writing this script, some neo-Nazi Hitler-wannabe?
NEO-NAZI HITLER-WANNABE: “Ack schieße, you hast me dizcovert!”
Alright, you’re out of here.
NEO-NAZI HITLER-WANNABE: “HEIL HYNKEL!”
Then Mr. Mini-Hitler, who by coincidence happened to be trying to learn to fly by jumping off a cliff, failed, and crashed into the ocean. Now, at IBERCUEM, the Evil Council was making up their evil plans.
EVIL PRESIDENT: “Gentlemen and gentlewomen!”
That’s not a word.
EVIL PRESIDENT: “Be quiet when I speak! Soon, all the banks, all the money and all the nations will be in our hands!”
CROWD: “Hooray!”
EVIL PRESIDENT: “And then our lifelong dream will have come true, we will rule the world!”
CROWD: “Hooray!”
EVIL PRESIDENT: “And then we will go to the moon and blow the Earth into pieces!”
CROWD: “Hooray!”
EVIL PRESIDENT: “And then we will feast on innocent Aryans!”
JEW 1: “And Christians!”
JEW 2: “And Communists!”
JEW 3: “Don’t forget the Palestinians!”
EVIL PRESIDENT: “Ah yes, the Palestinians, they go so well with the Kosher!”
Okay, seriously, I don’t care what nutter came up with this idiotic bullcrap, but if there’s any more of this, I quit!
PAULA: “You’re calling me a nutter!?”
Meanwhile, a UFO looking like a banana split was orbiting the Earth.
ALIEN 1: “Isn’t this just fabulous? We have a huge Ultra Mega Death Deus Ex Macchina Killing Megatron with full ammunition and nowhere to put it!”
ALIEN 2: “Let’s just conveniently zap it down on this harmless-looking planet where there can’t possibly be any evil creatures living.
ALIEN 1: “Splendid idea chap!”
And they teleported the Ultra Mega- err, let’s just say Megatron, down to Earth, where it conveniently landed just outside IBERCUEM’s headquarters, which also where situated very conveniently just next to Paula’s school
ALIEN 1: “Fantastic shot there Jimbo!”
ALIEN 2: “And great aiming there of you Timmy! Now, let’s go home shall we?”
ALIEN 1: “Certainly! Fancy a cup of tea for the journey?”
ALIEN 2: “Oh, I’d be most delighted!”
Down on Earth, in IBERCUEM’s headquarters;
EVIL PRESIDENT: “Well look what we have here!”
JEW 1: “A Megatron to destroy the world!”
JEW 2: “How conveniently convenient!”
JEW 3: “Very conveniently convenient indeed.”
I think they get it now.
EVIL PRESIDENT: “Now, let’s go blow things up!”
CROWD: “Hooray!”
End of Act 2.
ACT 3 – The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny
While the IBERCUEM leader were getting their act together and preparing the Megatron for total annihilation, Spiderwoman was tying out her new superhero skills.
PAULA: “I shoot strings from my wrists. That’s it!?”
Well, you get a cool suit too.
PAULA: “A cool suit? This thing doesn’t even match my eyes for Lance’s sake!”
It doesn’t matter if it matches your eyes, YOU’RE WEARING A MASK!
PAULA: “Well, yeah… but still!”
Sigh. Let’s skip to the action.
JEW 1: “How do you start this thing?”
JEW 2: “Perhaps there’s a code word?”
JEW 1: “Like what?”
JEW 2: “Like… cranberry!”
JEW 1: “… nope, not cranberry.”
JEW 3: “How about fish marmalade?”
JEW 2: “Fried beans!”
JEW 4: “Jam!”
JEW 5: “Stuffed pepper!”
JEW 2: “Nì!”
JEW 3: “Nù!”
Or you could just press the start button.
JEW 2: “No, that’s too obvious.”
In any way, the IBERCUEM finally got the Megatron working and started rampaging Paula’s school and the area around it, blasting houses to smithereens and rudely interrupting class.
STUDENTS: “Megatron, our Liberator!”
TEACHER 1: “Will you please keep quiet out there!?”
MEGATRON: “KILL KILL KILL, BANG BOOM BWAARGH!”
TEACHER 2: “Stop zapping stuff, you’re scaring away all the birdies!”
Then Spiderwoman bravely swung to their aid.
PAULA: “What, you want me to stop my school from being destroyed?”
Precisely.
PAULA: “In your dreams. I’ve got better things to do.”
If you don’t, the story isn’t going to end.
PAULA: “What, I’ll be stuck here with you until the Megatron is destroyed?”
Yep.
PAULA: “No shit?”
No shit.
PAULA: “Spiderwoman, to the rescue!”
Finally! Now, Spiderwoman swung to the rescue and an epic battle ensued, which is very hard to describe using only words but would’ve looked totally awesome in a movie or comic book. Thus, we skip to the aftermath.
PAULA: “Ha-HA! I’ve got you now! And now, I’m going to kill you!”
What, NO! You can’t do that!
PAULA: “And why not?
You’re the hero of the story, you’re supposed to grant them mercy, tell them to start living a good life and then everyone will live happily ever after!
PAULA: “Pah, screw that.”
You can’t do this! This is MY story, *I* am the storyteller and *I* direct the course of action!
PAULA: “Haha, you wish!”
EVIL PRESIDENT: “Who does he think he is, David Rockefeller?”
Right, that’s it, I’ve had enough. Find another storyteller, I quit!
