”Janet”, or, ”An Educational Tale about Dwarves, Women, Booze and Inner Beauty”

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a lonely queen in a tiny castle. In her bedchamber she had a large mirror which she asked every day, ”Who is the most beautiful woman in the country?”. Unfortunately for her she was as beautiful as a road-killed mole, and so whenever the mirror said the name of a woman, the queen sent her guards to kill her. Now there were only two women left in the country; the queen and her housemaid, who too looked as if she had been run over by a train and then blown up like a balloon.
“That is not a nice way to describe a woman!”
But it’s true, isn’t it? Anyhow, today was another beautiful day and the queen went to her mirror to ask it one final time who was the most beautiful woman in the country.
“O Mirror, O Mirror, on the wall over there,
Tell me now the most beautiful woman in the country here.”
The mirror bathed in green light and a yellow lawn gnome appeared in the reflection.
“Why do you have to rhyme every time you open your piehole?” the lawn gnome said.
“For it is a queen not fit,
To speak her words like those of a git.
Nor a brit.
Geddit?”
“That is hardly poetic”
“Just tell me who it is!”
“Alright, alright! The most beautiful woman in this country is… your housemaid.”
“MY HOUSEMAID!?”
The queen went rabid with anger.
“MY HOUSEMAID!? JANET!?” she said.
“Yep.”

The Fabulous Tale of Ai- err, Paula a.k.a. Spiderwoman and her Stereotypically Fantasticulous Quest to Save the World, the Universe and all the Yadda Yadda

Ett stort tack till Aisha som hittade på hela storyn från början, även om jag nog skrev den ganska annorlunda än det var tänkt . Kan väl säga så mycket som att det inte blev det svenskaarbete det var tänkt att bli!

ACT 1 – The Birth of Spiderwoman and the Death of the Evilly Evil Clock Salesman

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, which of course is relative to where in the world you happen to be right now, there was a girl-

????: “A GIRL!?”

Fabulous. We’re two lines into the story and you’ve already broken the fourth wall!

????: “But I’m not a girl!”

Maybe not, but you’re not a woman yet either now are you? Oh crap, now I’ve got that stupid song stuck in my head again! ANYWAY. The neither-girl-nor-woman-but-still-female which I will henceforth refer to as Paula-

PAULA: “My name’s not Paula!”

WHO CARES, it’s just a children’s fairytale!

PAULA: “I care!”

The Story of a Supposedly Innocent Princess, her Forbidden Love and a Truly Wickedly Evil Maniac of a Witch

Once upon a time, in a land far far away, there was a king called Eddy. Like all kings, he had a beautiful daughter and he was remarried to a nasty wife. The wife’s name in this tale is Ragata. The king’s daughter was called Erik. This because the king, at the daughter’s birth, had mistaken a stump of umbilical cord for something else and named his “son” after his own father, Erik XXVIII. Princess Erik had always hated her name, but because the law clearly stated that anyone named Erik mustn’t change his, or her, name, there was little she could do. She did though prefer to call herself Annie.

As it was in these days, the royals weren’t allowed to communicate the common folks. This because the commons might ask them questions, and answering question was regarded as work, which was strictly limited to the evil ministers.  Erik-

» It’s not Erik, it’s Annie! »

Right, Annie. Annie didn’t care much for these laws and often sneaked out the castle to meet with her secret boyfriend, the filthy blacksmith’s son Brian.

» Filthy? You know, many commoners in these days actually had better hygiene than their royals. »

Alright, stop correcting me! I’m not the one writing this script! Now, where was I? Her boyfriend, yes. Annie usually sneaked out to her boyfriend Brian, but when the king found out one day, he forbid her to ever meet Brian again. This of course had the opposite effect and Annie decided to run away from home, together with Brian. The last night she sneaked out to him, she brought only the most important things for their little escape…

» Eighteen pairs of shoes!? An entire wardrobe of dresses!? »

The Tale of Sir Lance Buckload and his Cliché Quest to rescue a Shallow Princess Character without a name from a tower. (2008)

Så här kan man också spendera en engelskalektion med uppgiften ”skriv en berättelse med några av orden i rutan”.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess locked up in a castle keep guarded by an evil dragon. You know the rest, let’s jump to the interesting part.

» What exactly are you? » Lance sais.

» A dragon of course, what else? »

» Dragon my arse, you’re some sort of overgrown goat-rat-thing»

» Beavergoat, if I may» The “dragon” sighs.

» You know this’ really quite disappointing, I was a expecting an epic battle between good and evil where I get to slaughter loads of monsters, and those writers give me this? »

» Hey, leave the fourth wall alone! It breaks easily»

» Why do you think I care? Here I get my first chance to be in my own story and they can’t even give me proper enemies to fight? What a joke. Too cruel they said, not fit for a kids’ fairytale. What a load of bullcrap…»

» Watch your language, or else I’ll…»

» You’ll do what? Gnaw my leg off? »